Grace is one of those things you don't think about until later in life, at least that's the case for me. In my Bible reading I’ve come across the word grace a million times. I grew up in church singing songs about God’s grace and I never put together what it truly meant. I don't think I ever really knew or understood what grace was until dealing with the aftermath of my failed marriage. For those of you who are like me and don't quite understand what showing someone grace means, its defined as showing kindness even when it's not deserved. Showing grace to oneself, is defined as forgiving yourself for your past mistakes and move forward with your life.
It's funny, because I've realized that I've found it easier to give grace to my ex-husband for the misdeeds done to me than I can give myself for my misdeeds. I still struggle with guilt and hurt surrounding my poor decisions that lead to the ending of our marriage. I’ve found myself getting frustrated with the fact that I haven’t moved on yet. I get bothered with myself for still getting into modes of depression and deep hurt for all that’s transpired. That’s where grace for myself kicks in. I know that I must take things one day a time. I must give myself the space to grieve the loss my marriage, accept my new life, and move at my own pace. It’s not at all easy, but I know that with God’s help, the prayers of my family and friends, and taking things one day at a time, I will make it through the tough times.
It’s still crazy to me how I’ve been so “graceful” when it comes to my ex-husband. I have never gone “psycho bitch” (excuse the term) on him or the other female in this situation. I have never done anything remotely crazy or out of my character during this whole ordeal. It sometimes bothers me because I feel like I got pushed around, I feel like I didn’t stand up for myself or for my family. What I’ve found out though, is sometimes the best way to fight back is to show grace. Don’t ever allow anyone or situation to get you out of your character. I did have a brief lapse of judgement years ago that led to my affair, which I regret every day. I allowed the situation of my husband having an affair or the very least a friendship with this person to take me out of my character; to make me seek “vengeance” of some sort. How did that help me? It didn’t! It’s left me in a place where I absolutely detest who I became in a moment of hurt and pain.
I am working every day to fully forgive myself, my ex and the other person involved in this. I literally pray for the 3 of us aloud with my children every morning on our way to school. I work very hard to move past this situation. While it’s taken me longer than what I expected or like, I am grateful for the lessons I’m learning along the way. I am grateful for the guidance of the Lord/Holy Spirit, my therapist, and my close family members/friends who know our story. I am also grateful for the newfound relationship/friendship that I share with my ex-husband. That is what grace gets you. It allows you to see people for the imperfect humans that they are. It allows you to see yourself as the imperfect person you are. It allows you to love, forgive, and move on with life the way God intended it to be without any guilt, remorse, or anger.
As you continue to move forward in your journey, give yourself the grace you need to learn from the mistakes you’ll undoubtedly make along the way. Know and understand that no one is perfect! You won’t always get it right, but if you’re committed to becoming a better version of yourself every day, you’ll be ok. Give yourself grace sis, you deserve it!
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