Letting go of something or someone you care about can be one of the most arduous things you’ll ever have to do. Often times we get complacent in our day-to-day routine whether it be work, family life, or marriage. The thought of things changing and/or coming to an end can literally paralyze you with fear. Not knowing what the future holds, being forced out of your comfort zone, and having to start over are all terrifying thoughts. Some people are strong and can handle situations that have life-changing ramifications while others not so much. I’m not one of those people! LOL… I’ve overstayed my welcome in my comfort zone and complacency, because I am TERRIFIED OF FAILURE.
That’s where I’ve been so long in my marriage. Aside from the fact that I took my marriage vows seriously, especially the “for better or worse part”, I was absolutely terrified at the thought of my marriage not working for various reasons.
I didn’t want to be another statistic of a black family. I didn’t want my marriage to end like my parents and my brothers did. I didn’t want my children to experience a “broken home”.
Why wasn’t I good enough for him? If he couldn’t love me, then who would? What is wrong with me? Why couldn’t he love me the way I loved him?
These thoughts, along with a million others rotate through my mind on the daily basis, especially now that divorce papers have been filed. I’ve told myself over and over again that things happen for a reason and some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, etc. Sometimes I’m able to feel a bit of comfort from this accepting frame of mind, other times it doesn’t help at all.
Many hard lessons have been learned along this journey, most that can only learned through experience. I know I could’ve been a hell of a better wife in many ways. I allowed my hurt and frustration with his infidelity cause me to retaliate with my own infidelity, which only made things worse! We were babies when we married, clearly, we weren’t ready for the dedication and committment it takes to sustain a marriage at the time. I think we both have a much clearer. We now tasked with responsibility of helping others who may benefit from our marriage experience.
I’m learning a lot in the process of relinquishing my marriage to the obstacles and events that we’ve encountered. I am learning that eventually I’ll be able to open myself to receive love again, how to be open new opportunities, and embrace new beginnings. My happiness will be contingent upon God giving me the tools to make myself happy. I am so grateful for the ability to acknowledge by shortcomings and fears and still have the ability to face them head on. I’m no longer going to fear living life as a divorced mother of 2. No matter how low and scared I am, I have so much more to live for and children who are looking up to me to still be a mother to them.
God wouldn’t put more on me than I can bare. I am continuing to give all of my fear and hurt to Him. I am working every day to love myself first. I affirm myself daily and read motivations to remind me of just how beautiful, strong, and worthy I am of every good thing this life has to offer. I know that this too shall pass. This is a chapter in my life that has unfortunately come to an end. I will NEVER say that I wanted a divorce, I fought ‘til I couldn’t fight anymore. If I am honest, I pray for reconciliation and restoration when the time is right. And if that never happens, my life will not be defined by the failure of this relationship. This is just a bump on my road to greatness.
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